The Greatest Bake Sale GeepGorp has ever seen
On that One Big Bullshit Bill
Hi everyone! Welcome to the weekly meeting of the “GeepGorp Public Council For Resisting The MurderBot”. Yeah, we know, the name could use some work, but we’ve been kind of dealing with a lot lately!
Which brings me to my first, and really only agenda item tonight, slowing down the MurderBot. Hi, yes, I see your hand, can we please save questions for the end of my speech? … okay. More hands. I’ll just go ahead and get this first question out of the way:
Why are we trying to slow down the MurderBot, when it’s, y’know, a MurderBot? Why not smash it???? Unfortunately, about one third of our neighbors have been brainwashed into believing that the MurderBot is their supreme leader, and that everything he does, even the Murder part, is pre-ordained by God. Y’know, the same God that they believe will eventually come down from the sky and set all of us non-believers on fire. They skimmed their favorite book and only read the end. And the whole “loaves-and-fishes” part is in the middle of the book, so now we have the MurderBot.
That didn’t answer our question at all. Yes, I know. There’s a lot to cover. Really, if you’d just let me get back to my prepared speech… we’re all here tonight because it’s time to do another Bake Sale to raise money to slow down the MurderBot, so that hopefully in 2 years, the MurderBot won’t have destroyed the electoral system and we can make him even slower the fair and democratic way. Wooo!! Can I get a what what for slowing down the MurderBot??????????? Really? Nobody wants to cheer right now???????
Hold on, I see your hands. Yes, I did say that even after we win the big election we’ll just be slowing down the MurderBot. It’s true. We won’t be destroying it. But the good news is we can make it REALLY SLOW! And all the other guys want to SUPERCHARGE the MurderBot!!! So really, slowing it down is an extremely preferable option!!
Why can’t we destroy the MurderBot??? Well… because we need the people who funded the MurderBot to fund us. They’re kind of the richest people on the whole planet of GeepGorp. We accidentally let them steal all your money so that they would give us some. And yes, we could have stopped that 50 years ago, but in case you haven’t noticed, GeepGorp isn’t the kind of place where we “plan for the future”! Look around! Do you see any trains? No!!! We GeepGorpians are not good at thinking long term.
I tried to warn everyone! I stood at the mall with a sign! I asked you to sign my petition! And you all said it was cringe!!! So now GeepGorp has gone to the MurderBots.
Look. None of us in this room want the MurderBot to Murder. But if we want to stop it, we’re going to have to throw the Biggest Bake Sale This Town Has Ever Seen. And by that I mean, call your representatives and tell them, actually, you’re not a fan of the MurderBot at all. Unless you live in one of the states where your representatives don’t actually matter. You guys can just give us money. We could really use your money. We’re gonna set it all on fire in front of the MurderBot, and we think that’ll probably slow it down. It hasn’t worked before, but we feel confident trying it for the 578th time. And no, we’re not going to fix the part of the system that makes your votes not count. We really prefer just taking your money.
Please call your US representatives and tell them not to support this stupid fucking “One Big Beautiful Bill”. It may not be enough, it may feel stupid and futile, especially when you’re watching your neighbors be kidnapped and the GOP selling concentration camp merch for an “Alligator Alcatraz” being built with our tax dollars. All that shit is bad, and requires separate action. But still, I’d rather not have our Congress vote to Supercharge the MurderBot, y’know?? The phone number for the capitol switchboard is 202-224-3121 or you can use the app 5Calls. Love ya.