I'm not ready for the New Year

New Year, same tired me.

I think the New Year should start in February. January is a no-man’s land of scraping through e-mails you couldn’t follow up on in December, fighting with your health insurance company, and staring around at your messy house wondering why last-year-you didn’t scrub it more closely.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been in pain, and I’ve been fighting with my health insurance company to even get to see a primary care physician, and it just feels depressing to keep re-hashing it. I have to explain the problem over and over again to each new Anthem representative, to the state health board, to the department of managed care. Basically, it’s a full time job, and it sucks. In fact, I’m writing this on hold with Anthem right now!

I’ve been in a lot of limbo. Wonderful, overwhelming, bittersweet limbo. A creative dream came true at the end of last year, but it’s been much more complex than I imagined it would be, and it’s still up in the air, so I can’t talk about it. Then my dog got diagnosed with inoperable bladder cancer, and has been in chemo. Thankfully, I signed up for pet health insurance for her years ago, and it’s paid off once again! She’s doing well, and we get to see how the chemo is doing next week.

The point is, I’ve been struggling to figure out what to say. I mean, I’ve made a few writing for my friend Adam’s youtube. Two of my favorites are: The secret reason Dems keep losing, and a reflection on the American Healthcare System and Luigi Mangione (about which I have a lot to scream!)

Above all, I’m very tired, which is why I think the year should start in February. January is full of messages that it’s time to hit the ground running. New year, new you! What’s your resolution? What do you want to accomplish this year???? But I limped into this New Year (literally! I’m limping! AHHHHH!), so how am I supposed to hit the ground running? I hit the ground with a thud.

I take some heart from my New Year’s Project last year. I took a one second video every day and mashed them together in a compliation video. It’s amazing to see. Because while my animal brain is hard-wired to remember all of the difficult moments behind those clips, the clips tell a powerful story of joy. Of a life surrounded by laughing babies and cute dogs, of jumping into swimming pools and eating delicious croissants.

It reminds me that this year will be bittersweet too. That’s what life is. There will be joys an accomplishments I never dreamed of, heartache I didn’t see coming, and, knowing me, hours on hold with the insurance company. But at least right now, I get to spend thouse hours on hold sitting next to my beloved dog. I may not feel ready for the new year, but here it is anyway, ready for me. We will walk hand in hand together towards the future. Because as one of my favorite songs says, “By default, the future wins". Happy New Year <3